You can never get enuff of doing nothing

I was bored, cos I have nothing to do at home. So I took a short trip to the Bahamas(actually its Pulau Dayang, off the coast of Peninsular Malaysia, but "Bahamas" sounds way way cooler)
Right... Its a tiny island with nothing to offer but good diving sites and nice fishing spots. Basically I didnt have a diving license or fishing rod. So all I could do was lie on my hammock and stare at the beach, wondering why did I pay $200 to do what I could do at home(but with alot more sand in my pants)...


Then I realised, this isnt something you can get in Singapore.. The sand is smooth and fine(enough to find its way into your underwear and stay there for uncomfortably long periods of time). The waters are clean and clear(salty water never tasted so good). The sea breeze never seemed to cease blowing. Life was good(for 1 and a half days).

Right until I tried the local food.
Remember the YanYan snacks we all grew up to love(chocolatey good!)?


They have their own version... I think they called it NiNi(or 2 other meaningless words put together to entice stupid kids)

As you can see, the "Chocolate" portion far from resembles the smooth chocolatey goodness that is YanYan.
Despite looking like commercialized packaged dog shit(however the hell commercialized packaged dog shit is supposed to look like), it was the only source of sugar on the island. After hours of doing nothing, I needed to replenish my energy...sooooo......

After eating most of it(which tasted as bad as it looked), I spent the rest of the day, lying defeated, beside a broken kayak, reminiscing my pre-NiNi times... Those were good times...


Things started to pick up in the night, after a forceful clearence of my bowels. The Hunks(thats me) and the babes(girls who think I'm a hunk) engaged in a game of twister. The boob-to-face fun we had within that short 30 minutes was more action than I would ever get by eating a whole cup of NiNi.


I love doing nothing on sandy beaches, given the chance, I would do it all over again.. But for now, I have to go apply some Aloe Vera gel on my back, cos it burns like the devil("I dont need no sunblock!", Joshua Said... "Sunblock is for lusers!", Joshua said.... Who's laughing now huh?!?)


Wish you were there

Chilli Crab craving

I never thought I would say this but Im starting to fantasize about enormous huge crab carcasses drowned in that weird sugary, milky chilli gravy mix... It is of course a far cry to the goo they dump on my plate. Firstly, the crab stays dead, the goo quivers a little when I drown it with tomato sauce (Quote from Mr Man: Anything is edible with sufficient ketchup). Also, the goo has inconsitent intexture, its like a Kinder surprise, it is cold and salty in one part and burning hot but bitter in another. Chilli crab is just a wonderful mixture of MSG+crab+water. Also, diarrhoea is guaranteed with a second helping of the goo (I found out they call it Raviolli) but Chilli Crab only gives diarrhoea to those of weak bowels.
Chilli crab also has EQ enhancing properties, the evil hokkien spewing uncle turns into your favourite uncle when you try to get some chilli crab from his questionable store. The orgess that plonks the goo 50cm to the right of the plate remains the orgess and gains meaness with every serving... the eventual result... is more raviolli, albeit cooked 2 secs faster than the usual 5. So basically, boiled pasta and cheese in salty water.
Actually, I miss army a little, I miss being told what to do... which basically was whatever the Enciks were supposed to do. I miss eating instant noodles by the runway, watching C-130s fly by and talking about life after NS (and now im talking about life before ORD). I miss the food (cause anything is better than the barely living goo). I miss the doctors (cause they liked to gimme more work and entertained me while I did it). I miss the fish in the waiting area(cause they were dead and stinky and kept away patients). I miss the hot dental officer (cause she was the only thing to look at for 2 years). I miss the lazy afternoon swims (cause I can get a tan during office hours by justifying it as exercise!!! WOOT). I miss my 2 minions (cause they made good coffee and fetched snacks promptly). I miss the dispensary (free drugs... duh!). I miss the patients (no... actually I dont miss that bunch of winos). I miss the dental centre (cause the playstation 2 was there). I miss 122 SQN (cause they let me use their flight simulator and never complained when I broke it). I miss my OC (Cause he was the only one who would talk about cars and women to me in camp). I miss my fellow Departmental ICs (Cause they seldom arrowed shit to me). I miss the DXOs (cause it proved to me that people can be useless AND employed too). I miss the retarded drinking sessions at the Specialists mess (which we would sleep off in the sickbay with the sickos). I miss the doctor's retarded drinking sessions at the officer's mess (which they would sleep off in the sickbay with the sickos). I miss the sickbay (cause it was the only clean room and thus easier to rollerblade on). I miss the pantry (cause the cute rats would turn up there). I miss the Ops room (cause that was where Corporal Mario would show us his next fuck). I miss the NS drivers (cause they would always buy supper for us when we wanted). I miss the consultation room (cause I spent so many caffeine charged late nights there doing paperwork and making my minions repeat my directives). I miss my CPR lectures (cause once everyone fell asleep, we could pretend to have finished and sneak off for some Prata!!!) I miss the RP (regimental police) (cause they always let my car in by asking me if I had a bomb instead of checking the boot). I miss my upperstudy (cause he fled before the ISO audit and made me a god (Dept IC) earlier). I miss the ISO Audits (cause it proved to me that my eyebags can be big enough to scare my mom. I miss Xmas in camp (cause we had a potluck thing and everyone brought wine instead of food). I miss the base commander (cause he liked to sound off for the Annual base run and then drive home). I miss going to NUS for Medical board (cause I hav mastered the art of bypassing the barrier in the carpark n thereby impressing the babes). I miss the Mobile canteen (cause nothing beats super sugary milk tea in the morning with the instant noodles). I miss the free army stuff (which might explain the regular water stopages). I miss the torture we inflicted on the rats we caught (cause only doctors know the true art of inflicting pain). I miss how bullshit the army was (no comment).

Yup, I miss the army. Lucky Mr Man, he can look forward to that garden of love. Nah im kidding, you will hate it with an intensity you can never imagine UNLESS you get a cushy job like mine with power involved. Then it becomes chilli crab instead of baseline alive goo. Lucky Mr Man, with rheumatism in his err... left ankle was it? I can never remember, you keep changing the location. But that mobile rheumatism will get you a cushy job... once you get it settled down in one location.

Goodbye NS, Hello boring life

I have left the god-forsaken base on Gombak Hill(Thats what i always tell the pizza guy,"The Base of Gombak Hill there, bring the pizza to the base of Gombak Hill there"), never to return again(except for 2 more days here and there...then theres also to collect my IC)...
I never did get to say goodbye to everyone in the camp..

This post is dedicated to the tormented souls who still remain... Remember, Nissin Instant Noodles makes the pain go away. It makes it all go away...

In no order whatsoever(Whoever comes to my mind first)

Bye Maj Kang, Warren Quah dries his panties in the microwave
Bye Warren Quah, stop drying ur panties in the microwave
Bye Warren Dinesh, ur as black as ur Hyundai Matrix
Bye Warren Quek, stop stealing our men to your platoon
Bye Warren Chong, your car looks like a toy
Bye Staff Ang, thanks for the Off, have a nice ORD
Bye Staff Kew, your damn slack, keep it up
Bye Staff Varni, I miss you
Bye Staff Eric, you really do look like a Luohan fish
Bye 1Sgt Tay, u asked me to dance once.. I'll remember that
Bye 1Sgt Tang, Stop masturbating, maybe ur hands will get better
Bye 1Sgt Oh, your Ex-slim aint working very well, n stop sleeping
Bye 2Sgt Goh, temper temper...
Bye 2Sgt Jackson, you're a dick
Bye 2Sgt Ng(KL), ur a sneaky fella, plus u look like a chicken, ur a sneaky chicken
Bye ....

Ok, I was planning to say goodbye to everyone in my camp, but I'll prob take up another 100 lines...Lazy...
But there is someone I have to say goodbye to...

Lonely nights we've walked alone
I let you loose, you came back to me
Its been 2 years, but you hardly ever grown
How i wish I could set you free
I put out my hand, u'll put out yours too
I jump around, and so will you
Cans and bottles, everything you will chew
Eaten many insects, but that doesn't bother you
Now its time for me to leave
Yet I doubt you even know my name
Parting is sad, but I shall not grieve
Hope you'll always stay the same

To Eric

The Dog

Now that I am free to do as I please(as long as my mommy lets me), I'd best be learning how to cook. Mastering the fine culinary art of Frozen, Canned and Dried cuisines is no small feat. I predict this would be a useful skill in the future, especially after I marry a wife who keeps most major Fastfood Takeaway Hotlines on her speed-dial(assuming I marry someone just like myself).
Life gets meaningless once you have no purpose. I used to dread going to work(A nicer way of saying "Booking in to camp"). Now that I dont have to, I feel empty. I need to find something to do. (Most probably going to Boarders to sit on the floor and read free mags with The Amazing Technicolour Masturbating Monkey). Other than that, I should go to the gym more often, else in the States(Love, Life, Liberty!) my Burly caucasian friends would be playing Bash-The-Scrawny-Asian-Kid-With-Bracers every lunch break.

And finally, I would rather die than increase our blog's viewership by typing misleading words like FREE PORN YOUNG NURSE SCHOOLGIRL SEX HENTAI JAPANESE FETISH PUSSY HARDCORE MINDEF FEMALE TOILET VIVIAN HSU WEBRING

No news is good news, FREE SEX PORN SLUTS CO-EDS HARDCORE VIRGIN GANGBANG DOGGY BABYSITTER CHEERLEADER UNSW SCHOOL OF OPTOMETRY

Mr Man is always right. If he is not too busy being right, he is generally having dinner with his guy friends at KFC on valentines day or doing a daredevil peanut pancake up the drivers face stunt. **note to Mr Man, we all like you in a non-homosexual way but when you do the things you do, it stays on permanent record for the rest of your natural born life**
UNSW is starting to resemble a normal school once I have eliminated all the female-related drama in my life. It has fallen into the lovely study, sleep, eat, IKEA! WOOT! WOOT! routine which is familiar to me. Oh... and since there is an active Warcraft III DotA multiplayer and counterstrike LAN community in college, my social life is now about as lively as Singaporean politics. I have also decided after 39 games of warcraft that life is not all about girls... its about who can first reach lvl 25 and buy the divine rapier so he can rape all the other heros. All I need is a black 1994 HONDA CIVIC ESI and life will be as interesting as 2 accidents per week.
On another note, my Physics lectures have reached new heights of incomprehensibility with the symbols looking like the Aryan Sanskrit but with numbers in it that describes in 4 paragraphs the shape of an egg. I have a feeling he is faking it but I think even NASA cannot understand the mass of ink stains he smears on the board like a spasming monkey.

Ways to increase readership

We at dafansu need more ppl to read our blog in order to boost our ego, so that we can think that the policies of the world rests on our, which actually means MINE AND ONLY MINE, opinions alone.

The obvious solution to this problem is Porno pics. But I don't think we can post porno pictures without getting pulled off the web, thus depriving the world of my, I mean our opinions.

Thus, I believe we should do the next best thing, which is trick people into thinking there is porno on our website. This is a common trick used by many porn websites, and if we just receive 0.0001% of their readership, we're golden.

So I suggest (decree) with every post we make, we shall put FREE SEX PORN SLUTS CO-EDS HARDCORE VIRGIN GANGBANG DOGGY BABYSITTER CHEERLEADER NUS BUSINESS SCHOOL, into our posts. But try to make it discreet.

Hopefully, we can garner enough readership to launch beanie babies of our characters.

Why the SAF doesnt want me to do Reservist

Not long ago, I found out that the very same organization that I gave up 2 years of my life for, doesnt want me to continue working with them till im old and grey(or till I have children and they reach an age where they'll elope with a pot-smokin dragon-chasin yuppie driving a Honda CRX decorated with gay neon lights). I sat in my yellow coloured beanbag in my livingroom, deep in thought(actually I was playing Naruto on my PS2, Damn Sasuke's Chidori is so cool!)... Why wouldn't the SAF want me to continue on as a reservist?
I could only come up with the following few reasons...

1) All regulars surf Gay porn. This has nothing to do with the topic on hand, but I just want everyone to know.

2) They realise that at the rate I steal stuff from the camp storerooms, it'll be more cost effective for them to keep me away from any camp with stores(and people wonder why I have so many lightsticks at home)

3) They expect me to earn a 6-figure salary in the future, they cannot afford to call me back for even a week..(They can tell the future!)

4) Einstien was born with an outstanding mind.
Clinton was born with the ability to lie.
Regulars were born with a thirst for gay porn.
I was born with the ability to produce a "CRACK" sound with my right shoulder, thus making it sound like a dislocated shoulder.
This is my shoulder(In the future after 10000 bicep curls)


This is how it looks from Mr X-Ray machine's view

The Arrows point to the part of my shoulderbone that makes the loud crack noise at my command.

Due to the loud crack sound I can make and my insanely convincing acting skills(Oh my God! Mr Doctor Sir.. Its SooOOoooOOOooo painful everytime i move it! *CRACK!* AwWwwgGHhhHhh!!)... Thus making the Always-Right SAF Doctor think my shoulder looks like this..


Being the weak-shouldered NSF I am, I was deemed incapable of further giving up more of my life to our country(and they dont want to be liable for any shoulder injuries I sustain during service). I was given a PES status C (Dad : Son ah, why did you downgrade? now you can never go to OCS arrr, Your grandfather was a Major, I was a Captain, all your uncles were captains.. Why like thattttttt??).. Despite my valiant efforts to convince my dad that the "C" in PesC actually stands for "Cavalier" and not "Corporal", he still isnt too happy about my fall from grace... Neither am I.. *Snicker snicker*

4th June 2005

That is the day I fly to Stockholm. Actually this is a very good opportunity that all future NUS students should try to take. First, its overseas, Sweden, Models and Meatballs ! Secondly, they pay you a stipend. Studies are covered, you just pay your normal NUS fees. Thirdly, you get to work in entreprenuerial companies, training your mad el33t skillz haxor up. Theres no downside. You even get a minor in Technopreneurship, and 1 year working experience when you grad. You have to be pretty 3l33t to qualify though. But then you have an edge over others in terms of experiences and opportunities.

Mr Man is going to Sweden.

Who needs a girlfriend?

Who needs a girlfriend indeed? One thing I have learnt from Australia which I shall now impart upon my circle of animals and a man who believes he is not one of us animals is that its much more fun to observe the insane freedom of adolescent hormones than to be dragged into it. Unless of course one is masochistic and loves pain, in which case its still a better idea to invite the below pictured to a party than to be involved in the literal shitfest that goes on.

-Jian "I am not a sandy pussy hor" Hou, real name of chio bu withheld for his protection

Let me give you a pictorial example of my wine party (i.e. get girls shit-faced drunk) over in Melbourne and the difference between a typical Ang Moh and the goat who is now terrified of crazy women who do crazy things (trust me, I am deriving from multiple instances and examples).

All friends are female

Friend1: Cool house
Friend2: yea, real cool
Friend3: Oh my god, is that a real Ang Moh Lang?
Ang Moh: Me so randy
Goat: Argh... too... much... testosterone... Mr Man had... only... 1/10th... of his... hormonal... flood
Friend2: Oh goat, you never told me you had such a beautiful Ang Moh Lang
Friend1: Hands off bitch, hes mine!
Friend3: First one to the Ang Moh Lang wins!
-Goat exits praying for absolution for inviting Ang Moh Lang-
Ang Moh: Haha! They are all mine! Mine! Say hello to my liddle buddy...

I love to exaggerate and in the Ang Moh's defence, he was really trying and my friends were drunk. But all I could think of is how grandpa goat will go medieval on my ass if I did anything outta line in his house.
Anyway, I *think* the girls behaved but that didnt stop them from posing with the Ang Moh when he wiggled his hips suggestively.

-Yes... charissa behaved im sure, look how close she is with Daphane... err wait a minute...

I tried to wiggle my hips but I dislocated my left femur off my hip and crouched there in pain till someone decided to take a photo to prove I was there.

-Lookie, there r 2 bottles of wine to the right of the pic. Surveys have shown 2 bottles of empty wine was more interesting than me trying to put my hip back

Anyway, I think I try too hard for the pictures cause I need some comic relief, but everyone says I look 16 when I dont try, at least in this pic I look 16 and 2 months (I hate my evil frank friends). Anyway, here is charissa n fren being nice enough to take a pic with me (we *have* been friends through 2.something years)

-Contrary to what u might think, I actually tanned in the backyard cause the beach was too far away... and yes... the girls r huddling away from me

Its been really fun thus far but Chicken, we have to move on to plan B (Russian mail order bitches).

Why MLMs are the work of Satan

Despite the hurtfully one sided title of this blog, this is really a fair compairson of the pros and cons of Multi Level Marketing. Anybody wishing to venture into the wonderful world of network marketing,or those who are already in it(I pity the fools), should read this.

PROS AND CONS OF MULTI LEVEL MARKETING COMPANIES

PROS
1) Rest easy, that all MLM agents would sooner or later, go to hell after they die. Satan has a special room just for them. Lavishly furnished with one table, 2 chairs and hundreds of aroma therapy bottles. Theres plenty of room for more than a hundred agents in the 3x3m room(Satan doesnt fucking care if they cant breathe in the room, nobody cares).

CONS
1) MLMs sell the oddest of products, at prices only logical if the product was encrusted with diamonds and rubies. Take this beautiful aroma-therapy set for example.

It costs S$330(Inclusive of a free bottle of insecticide, they call "Essencial Oils")
Slightly(Very). Overpriced for a fancy ash tray.

2) MLMs use their products to cover up what they are really selling, nothing. The money used to pay for these products are actually used to fill the coffers of all those that are above you(Basically everybody in the company)

3) MLM agents are actually working for the company for FREE. Attracted by the alluring promise of riches beyond their parent's monthly allowances, foolish adolescents are brainwashed into working like dogs for the company. The only money they will ever earn, is that of the friends which they trick into joining the company.

MLM is the work of the devil himself, spreading like Aids in Bangkok, soon most of the world's markets would be MLM-atized. As stated in the bible(not really),
Joshua 12 : 5
And then the world filleth with Multi Level Marketing. They which weareth the black pants, work shirts and discount ties covered the earth as did the cockroaches once.
Joshua 12 : 6
God saweth the filth and discord Network Marketing has brought unto his world. He was not pleased. Oh, he was not pleased.
Joshua 12 : 7
He said unto Ali-G :"You and all ya homies betta get on ze love boat, cos I za not liking wat I za see. Head to da Westside and ye shall find peace."
Joshua 12 : 8
And so, the floods descended unto the earth, washing away all that is unholy, over the edge of the earth(The Earth was flat, at time of writing)