Im Back

There are no words to express the immense joy I have to once again get lost again on singaporean roads... nay! singaporean soil! U guys know how to get me if u need me.

I am the 8 that blocks your road, I am the 8 that grabs your parking space, I am the 8 that runs over your girl cause she is too ugly to live. I am the 8. I am the 8 that overtakes you. I am the 8 that takes you places you could only ever go if you get lost. I am the 8 everyone wants to have unless u r rich enough to afford a Porsche Boxter. I am the 8 bearing down on you, your family, your friends and even your doggy.

But thats just the 8. Im sure people would wanna meet up with me cause they miss me? Or not... haha

I love the heat, I love the humidity, I love the greasiness and stickiness and all THAT JAZZ!!! Woohoo... Gimme a holler!

Singapore is in China

I received a letter in the mail from my future University(of Illinoisssssss)...
It was filled with some useless brochures telling me that the Beds in the States are bigger than the Beds in my country(wherever that may be, they had no idea). So I had to buy expensive designer bedsheets, pillow cases, comforters, towels, bath robes and bunny slippers(all in matching pink!) from them, if I were to avoid freezing to death during the duration of my stay over there.

But what's really interesting, is what's written on the letter itself. Heres a pic of the front of the letter...


Apparently, one of the over-zealous postal workers spotted a big mistake on the Address written on the letter. He noticed the sender only wrote "Singapore", the province. The country was totally left out. So, he took matters into his own hands

by filling out the country at the bottom.

Of course, all chinese come from China, so Singapore must be somewhere in China... Its so obvious...


The Postman's Oath :
NEITHER SNOW, NOR RAIN, NOR HEAT, NOR GLOOM OF
NIGHT STAYS THESE COURIERS FROM THE SWIFT
COMPLETION OF THEIR APPOINTED ROUNDS.

2 more days!

I know everyone does not want me back cause all we ever do when I am around is think of things to do that involves driving and doing it. But I have changed! I am an international student!!! Now all I want to do is think of food I will miss in Australia and getting Chicken to drive me there while complaining of my Physics test.

So anyway, I spent the day before driving a Ute. Yup a ute. I think because as opposed to singapore, jobs involving menial labour DO goto the locals, they need a fancy name for what is essentially a lorry. Go figure. So anyway, I spent maybe 15ish hours driving that lorry to move stuff for my new apartment which was a ways from where I am currently based. Like the animals would know, I smashed that damn Ute into every tight corner I could find. Unlike my Honda Civic however, the Ute stayed intact even after repeated collisions. Its a ford. Maybe thats why. Im gonna buy me a ford... maybe a focus.

BTW, is anyone gonna surprise me at the airport? Cause if you wanna do it, i think we should co-ordinate so I get surprised at the proper gate. I do recall my brother surprising *us* while we waited at the wrong gate. Cant think.... argh initial photon momentum equals to planck's constant (6.626 x 10^-34) divided by Wavelength... argh...

Back to physics. Get ready to roll btw, I predict long drives while picking up my brother from SAFTI MI...

Mustafa

Bored? Nothing to do? Just lost your part time job cos the company was in a total mess? Go to Mustafa, where all your dreams come true.
Located somewhere in Serangoon(Singapore is that small, you cant miss it), it is a haven for bargain hunters and fools alike.

Mustafa recently expanded its iron grip to the nearby shophouses to provide the people of Singapore with 24-hour non-stop goodness.

Fun games to play in Mustafa Centre : Find the Expired Food

Mustafa has an entire floor dedicated to groceries. Although finding expired food may sound easy in a place like Mustafa, it can get tricky. Much of their goods are CLOSE to expiry, but just not there yet. It is rumoured, that once food expires, they sacrifice it to the Indian God Vishnu, at the same time praying for guidance during their campaign to take over all 7-Elevens with their own brand of Mini-Mustafas(modeled after Apu and his highly successful Kwik-E-Mart)


It has also been rumoured that they have other ways of getting rid of all their expired food, but they are only rumours.


So the race was on, to see who could find expired food first. Whoever did, would win the grand prize of 4 monies(basically the losers would pay 1 money each to the winner).

Avoiding all sense of logic, we searched through most of the shelves(including the Masala flavoured maggi and dried Chapatti flavoured soups), but to no avail.

The Masturbating Monkey thought he could score in the Dried Parantha section, but he was so wrong. As wrong as a Masturbating Monkey could be.

Along the way, we did manage to find some interesting artifacts worth mentioning. Take this jar of Wha-cha-ma-call-it.


The friendly people at Mustafa have helpfully changed the weight of the product from 70 grams to 110 grams with a ballpoint pen. This was probably done to compensate for the bugs which have since grown in the jar over time, adding to the overall weight of it. That is what i call Customer Service.


After hours(40 minutes actually) of searching all around, we finally found a winner. It came from the most unlikely of places, the dried food section(aren't dried foods supposed to last forever?).


On closer examination, one of the packets of SUNMAID Raisins looked abit suspicious. The expiry dates on the boxes themselves were rubbed off, and a new expiry date was labelled on the outer plastic packaging. Fishy huh?

We took no chances. We quickly called off the contest and declared a winner.

The winner of the DAFANSU SUPER CHALLENGE is none other than, Sunshineeee

Pictured here with his wining find. Despite trying to convince him to use his prize money to actually buy the pack of expired raisins he found, the forces of sanity got the better of him.

The runner up prize goes to Mr Cow, who found this pack of Black Salt from the Medieval ages.

Congratz to Mr Cow, who won a pat on the back(who asked you to be 2nd place? Stupid Cow)

Distraught by his runner up prize, Mr Cow then proceeded to commit suicide by eating a Mustafa Burger from the Mustafa Cafe.


We'll miss you Mr Cow...

Welcome to Cash Converturs!

A GREAT way to sell your junk! Bring your old expensive stuff to us, we'll give you peanuts for it and sell it for a bomb! Thats the Cash Converturs way. Here are 4 simple steps for you to help us earn more monies.


Clean your trash before bringing it to us, because after we rip them off from you, we wont bother cleaning them before selling it to the next sucker. Everybody(who's a dumbass) knows, the condition of the product largely depends on its exterior condition. So the cleaner it looks, the higher we can jack up the price.


Test your shit first, cos we wont bother testing it much when you give it to us. But don't worry, if the products turn out to be faulty, we won't lose much, cos we won't pay you much anyway. Thats the Cash Converturs way!


Here's a secret. If you bring your accessories to us separately, we will pay you a dollar or 2 for each piece, cos we buy just about anything. But then, if you bring your accessories TOGETHER with the product which it came with, we will claim that the accessories HAVE to go with the main product as a package. We will then pay you for the main product only, while keeping all the accessories(suckas). So.....(trying hard not to laugh my balls off)... Bring all your accessories... *snicker snicker* along... We want your monies...


Basically, most of our customer base consists of really dumb people, the technologically impaired and people trying to get rid of stolen stuff. To avoid having our products combust prematurely in our "customer's" faces, we need to give them manuals to explain why watering their television set doesn't help it run cooler. We cant have all the dumb people dying on us, now can we? Who would buy our trash then?

dafansu.blogspot.com goes to Cash Converturs to sell some stuff, cos we recently for fired from our day job and thus need monies to watch movies at Empress(they raised the prices slightly, times are hard).

Heres what I tried to sell.


(Quoted with prices from last century, to add dramatic effect)
1 Panasonic 3DO Game Console, Price when new - $600+
This used to be the hottest thing in the gaming market(for about 2 months before Sony brought in the Playstation). It was one of the first gaming systems to actually try to incorporate 3-D into games. Although most of the objects in the games were basically just squares with pixels for skin, it still was a giant leap for whiney spoilt brats around the world.

1 Sega Game Gear with TV Tuner, Price when new - $700+
One of the first portable colour gaming systems, it even had a TV tuner attachment to clip on to the device, so you could watch TV on the 9V Power-Guzzling 1.8 Inch Screen. It was so popular last time, that policemen used to carry these around. They had to clip it onto their belts, as they had no space in their shorts pockets.

1 Japanese Thermos Flask, Price when new - $70
Keeps your hot stuff hot, keeps your cold stuff cold. Gives you something more to clean everyday.

1 Steamboat Thingy, Price when new - $30?
Its been used many times over. So it doesn't matter how much they are actually willing to pay for it. Seeing how I treat the Steamboat Pan at Seoul Garden, its a wonder how this one even survived.

2 Random Keyboards, Price when new - Who gives a sh*t?
Ancient dust collectors which I found lying around my house. Various soft drinks have found their way inbetween the keys, but I should think they still work quite well(to a certain extent). I pity the fool who buys this, I pity the fool!

2 "The Incredibles" Skateboards - Found lying around the house
Sum Dum Kid is gonna use this and hurt himself very badly. I don't trust free skateboards with cartoon characters on them, unless its Spongebob Squarepants.

Some Random CDs I could find lying around the house


After waiting 1 and a Half hours in line(There were less then 10 people ahead of me, but they all brought trolleys of trash they found on the floor along the way to Cash Converturs), it was finally my turn. After the Beng at the counter ruffled through my stuff, he typed some stuff into the computer(probably chatting with his Girlfriend, telling her how he's cheating so many people out of their stuff and he needs to repent tonight by having sex with her, Beng Style - Playing Bad Techno while doing it).

Then, for all my prized possessions and hard work, I got this...


20 LOUSY monies for all my stuff and 3 hours of my time(including finding, cleaning and transporting the shit there). I earned more monies in my previous job(pauses for a while, as still emotionally unstable due to loss of job) than here selling my stuff.

Here's a closer look at my "You've Been Had" form.


Cash Converturs, A Brilliant Way to GET CA$H.

RamlY Burger, from Start to Finish

RamlY burgers are Malaysia's 2nd best product(the 1st being Protons).
Of course, RamlY burgers arent a natural phenomenon, they are man made. The journey from processing plant to toilet bowl is a long and grueling one.

Life starts at the RamlY Processing Plant, hidden deep in the jungles of Malaysia. RamlY workers have signed a contract with the RamlY Executives, stating that if they were to reveal the secret recipe of RamlY burger patties(6 part animal innards, 1 part fingernail dirt) to anyone outside the RamlY Circle of Trust, their "health benefits would expire". Of course, this literally meant their health benefits would be taken away from them. But being the impressionable and dim-witted(being impressionable and dim-witted are criteria for becoming a RamlY worker) crowd they are, they assumed it meant they would be killed.
First, the remains of various farm animals(no preference) are processed into convenient bite-sized patties by big menacing metallic machines. They are then packed into boxes and shipped to roadside stalls all around Malaysia, along with their patented special sauces.

Death comes in 3s. A dark brown sauce(I'll call it Secret X), a light brown sauce(Secret Y) and a white sticky sauce(Secret Z).

Now, Secret X is where the money's at. Its made from 100% natural ingredients, the skin of the Colorado River Toad(Bufo alvarius).

Since centuries ago, Some people have been known to lick these frogs to get high, as a certain chemical they secrete from their skin causes hallucinations. Some people have died after licking these toads. Some people argue that these people deserved to die.

Secret Y is made from a substance banned in most parts of the world, save for the coldest, most remote parts of Mother Russia(anything goes in the coldest parts of Russia). This substance is so secret, I cannot even name it. I shall call it marijuaneeeee, to hide its true identity. Now, marijuaneeeee makes people happy, and thats what the RamlY folks want its customers to be. Happy(especially after they find out the patty they're eating breaks food laws in almost every 1st, 2nd and 3rd world country(except you-know-where)).

Secret Z is the most dangerous of the 3 evils, common household mayonnaise(It makes you FAT. Research has shown that 100% of fat people have been known to die sometime in their lives).

How good a RamlY Burger tastes, largely depends on the person who prepares it. The RamlY Man(There is no real name for the RamlY Burger Man, I just call him The RamlY Man).

Although the RamlY Patty itself is enough to kill a large household pet, it takes skill to combine the Patty, Sauces, Buns, Egg and Vegetables into something so powerful, that once eaten, will elevate the person to a higher state of mind(There are people who equate this feeling to the Nirvana they have been looking for all their lives. Others equate this to the feeling of self-circumcision)

The RamlY process is not simple.

First you have to cook the Bun, Patty and Egg


Then add the various Vegetables


Then add the Secret Sauces


And it is done


This difficult process can only be completed by a trained and skillful individual(anybody who's willing to stand by the road and make burgers). Not to be tried at home. You just cant make it the way they do.

Once bitten into, the RamlY burger should look like so.

The Bun, Patty, Egg and Vegetables all separated in an orderly fashion.
This shows the RamlY burger was made by an official licenced RamlY Man.

Beware of imitations.


The RamlY Burger is to be eaten in all its greatness, in a Styrofoam box, by the roadside.

Our very own REVIEW PAGE

We now have our very own Review page, dedicated to bringing you the worst the world has to offer. Our first review is of the movie "Unleashed", by Jet Li. Get it while its hot at dafansureview.blogspot.com.

Finals, thoughts and HOT POT

Its that time of the year again... to suffer one last bout of sleep deprivation, of caffeine saturation, of 2 weeks of muscle atrophy (minus the writing wrist which instead develops carpel tunnel syndrome) and start memorising everything in sight. Who said university life was different? I was a last minute monkey for my Os, for my Poly, even for my army's ISO audits... I thrive on panic, it makes me acquire the superpower I call "self-preservation". Next week, I am expected to hand up 2 assignments due for my general education courses (i.e. study this totally unrelated course so we can make more money -Love, UNSW) which I have completed. Ask me when I started on my core module subject's Lab report worth 10% of the grade and the answer would be the day before after dinner for 2 hours... and 2 hours before submission. I think I spend more time eating in a day than doing my Lab report (Yes mom... the GST Tax returns were frickin last minute too, almost killed a Melayu family driving down to Income House to submit it).

Ok, my thoughts are kinda boring cause only people who are close to me would know what I am talking about. I suggest you blog lurkers go straight to HOT POT: HOTTER THAN LINDSEY LOHAN WITH A LAMB CHOP as opposed to reading my crap.

I think I have changed fundamentally over the past 1/2 of the year, but it is just a shift in the right places to alter the original structure. By looking at it, you would never have noticed the change, only the result. Kinda like the rabbit in the hat where the rabbit was in the hat the whole freakin time but it needed someone to grab it and show it to everyone. The bigger question now is... are there any more rabbits in that hat?
Also, as the Roti club can attest to, I am generally very accepting of well... everything... Its a good thing from my point of view cause I dont wanna be the dude who suggests we goto orchard all the time cause I like to park there instead of some place in the urbs where they still *gasp* use parking coupons. Point being, my friends make me buy parking coupons. But I have found out something that cuts a little deeper than that, to accept what you cannot change no matter how much you want it to. My friends would generally acquiesce to my requests to goto orchard and even if they make me park at some Kampong Clementi carpark, I could always steal parking coupons from the chicken. But what if one day, they dont? Think of it in a greater magnitude and it becomes scary, parking coupons are just a pain.
I dont think I have become any more independent, smarter, mature or even insightful. I feel that these more relevant things have escaped me and frankly, I dont think I am ready to become the wise old uncle drinking coffee at S-11 telling the cleaning auntie to clean up the Bandung on the floor or else... I like being open to anything (except gay porn... I think I could never accept gay porn, apologies to da Gay Indian, "your legs are perfect, stop fluttering them around") and totally not set in my ways. I have likes and dislikes but I think I have not said no way for ever and ever to anything yet.
I have done things this year I need to analyze so bad (wait for it you greedy chicken, we will discuss this on the beach with some good alcohol) cause I cant make heads or tails of it and even after deciding to accept it, I guess I just need to embrace the concept rather than just accepting the fact.

Ok, shit I think is deep but is actually not is over... time for HOT POT: HOTTER THAN LINDSEY LOHAN WITH A LAMB CHOP!!!

So anyways, the temperture plummeted today to 9 freakin degrees and reminded me of the time I used to haul frozen burger king patties in a freezer called WLNA (warehouse logistics network asia). Basically, it reminded me of how much I needed to get something to counter the weather which previously used to be prata and curry. Luckily, the dudes at warrane were game for some hot hot hot hot pot!!! We bought the relevant stuff (a fuckload of lamb, a smaller fuckload of pork and korean chilli) and dumped it all in the pot. I dont recall exactly what happened in the middle cause I think I must have blacked out from all that eating but I recall that the college common room smelled like a cross between a slaughter house and a chilli padi farm when we finally hauled that last kilogram of quivering steaming BURNING lamb carcass outta that pot. If the fires of hell were as hot as that pot of hot pot, I think I might just convert right now to whatever religion is hip these days.

Note to self: I think I need to reduce my blog entries to a maximum of 2 points cause I sorta lose steam at the end and am reduced to saying: hot pot so hot its hotter than hot. hot hot hot, your girlfriend also not that hot!

See you soon Mr Man

Mr Man is leaving for Sweden in 3 days time.

See you soon Mr Man, we will remember how you fed us(10 ppl) food for 30 people on your going away party. No matter what your mom said, our stomaches only had finite room for expansion. The Orr-Nee(complete with sweetcorn and all) finished us off.


See you soon Mr Man, we are not bitter that you(and your tiny cousin 1/3 your size) trashed us at foosball. We are not bitter that you have a foosball table in your aunt's house. We are not bitter. We are not.


See you soon Mr Man, we will remember how you like to tie balloons all around your backpack when you walk around so as to lighten the load which your oversized testicles put on you. I wonder of the balloons survived the car ride back home. Maybe you shouldn't have stuffed them so quickly into the boot.


See you soon Mr Man, we will remember singing KTV with you at Clementi. I'm pretty sure the K-Box staff realized the importance of soundproofing all their rooms thoroughly after we decided that screaming into the Microphone at maximum volume is at best "audible".


See you soon Mr Man, I will not tell anyone that we sang TaTa Young's
Sexy Naughty Bitchy


and Effiel 65's
Blue DaBa Dee


See you soon Mr Man, we will miss all those times getting drunk on cheap Duty Free vodka and other water substitutes that make the simplest of tasks seem like a rollercoaster ride(Thank you Mother Russia).


See you soon Mr Man, please get a Digital Camera to take pictures over there. Words are never enough when describing the different varieties of Alcohol, Meatballs, Swedish Babes and Ikea furniture avalable over there(strangely, they are all avalable at Ikea).

See you soon Mr Man.
Heres a piece of Singapore to bring over to Sweden.