US Universities' Theory of Admission

US Universities have their own twisted Theory of admission, designed to randomly and efficiently reduce the number of applicants(International) applying for admission to their institution. Thus easing the Office of Admission's workload. First, every university has their own specific form of instructions on how to go about the task of applying for entry. Like, "Send your transcripts in to this address and your recommendations to that address", or "Use only pink coloured paper made from a rare Japanese red oak tree found in Okinawa to write your essays" and "Failure to write your name and student ID on all 4 corners of every sheet of paper will result in your application being fed to our school mascot, Butchy the Bastard Bulldog".... What gives? These instructions are usually conveniently stated at the bottom page of their websites in size 3 Webdings font.

And then theres their alliance with www.collegeboard.com, who I suspect have agreed(for only US$7 a pop) to "forget" to send a student's official SAT scores to the respective universities. As official scores are required for entry, students without them are thus refused. Apparently sending the scores in more than once does not help either(I've sent then in to University of California 3 times and they still send me mail telling me to submit my scores, as the deadline is drawing near).

And if these defensive measures weren't enough to ward off most applicants, the Universities have their own final measures to take, they call "Admission Essays".(Gasp!) Specifically designed to slowly(and surely) wear down an applicant's stamina and will to live, these Essay questions force you to lie through your teeth about yourself while sounding humble at the same time. Never in my life(except for this blog) have I ever written so much bullshit about myself for others to see... "Describe a potential classmate", "What can you contribute to our college?", "What are your ambitions in the future?", "How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?"...

Heres an essay I'd love to submit(If I had a death wish)


Tell us why we should admit you into our University? :
My name is Joshua and I'm a straight 20 year old guy,178, 65kg, black hair, seeking entry into your wonderful institution(did I mention wonderful?). I may have lost a handful of brain matter required for rational thought, when serving in the army, but I promise you my vocabulary is not limited to just "Ugah-Ugah"(I add a little "snort snort" here and there). I hope to bring life and happiness to the school campus, as my doctor told my mom once, as long as I don't hold anything more than butter knives and safety scissors, the people around me won't mysteriously disappear for no reason. Lets get straight to the point shall we? We all know that you are making it so darn hard to gain admission to your school just to reduce your workload, while uping your school one notch on the prestige scale. So can we skip the pain of applying and just let me into your school? If not, I'll just take my S$240,000 to Australia. G'day mate...

Here's a model essay for you, www.essayedge.com.....